This is my third episode and it is almost certain that bipolar disorder will be with me for the rest of my life and that I may have to rely on drugs for the rest of my life. Even if things get better, one day it will still suddenly creep into my mind.

That's right, I didn't fight it and let the torture go on, from the beginning to now.

I wanted to be very sick.

The kind of major illness that is pure physical torture

At first the doctor said I was depressed, and I thought it might be because of the weight loss.

During that time, the less I ate the less I was satisfied, and the more I ate the more I felt guilty and upset. After two months, I started to get concerned, feel bad, somehow want to cry, and then self-harm.

At that time, how I want to study time can be faster, the time to carry out the explosion of the head can be fast-forwarded, or we look at themselves a few years later, is not still well alive, there is not a married, there is no social work, open or not, tell students themselves I actually have a lot of future.

I wish I was a tree, a dog, or anyone else, as long as it wasn't me.

I have so much remorse in my head.

　　Not saying Happy Teacher's Day to my favorite teacher last year, not keeping my promise with my graduate advisor to get into research early the summer after college, not taking the initiative to keep in touch with my favorite friends on a regular basis, running over a puppy on my electric bike…… all the mistakes I've made and things I didn't do well are swirling around in my head and lingering.

I wanted to lose my memory, and I used to fantasize about shaving my head from the front with an electric vibrator so I could forget everything.

Depression affected every aspect of my life - lack of concentration, even in the face of my favorite speculative fiction, I could not read it; chest tightness, feeling all the internal organs squeezed together, unable to take a deep breath; fear of talking to people, there will be a feeling that the body is hollowed out; a particularly strong temper, a little bit on fire, boyfriend inexplicably suffered a lot of aggression. Nervous breakdown, hallucinations, hearing voices that others can not hear; weakness in the limbs, can not sleep head to blow up in bed until dawn; fantasies of death, in the form of car accidents, hanging, taking drugs, jumping, etc., but each is not perfect.

I wanted to have a major illness, and I'm talking about a major illness that purely financially suffered from the effects of physical torture, so that my eyes shifted out of research and had to start focusing on the world outside the student's mind, weakening the sense of intense self-management.

Everyone who knew I had a depressive episode taught me how to live without exception.

電療副作用皮膚

That who is worse off than you can live very well; "You have been so lucky, have not experienced any trials and tribulations, should not be like this"; "You have to keep a good mind, learn to adjust yourself, do not think about those things "...... frankly speaking, these rather aggravate depression, although I know they are all out of concern for me.

It's hard to explain to people who are not depressed. I've read many of our descriptions of depression, and the most accurate one is probably this one from China: from the outside, I may look a little more sluggish and listless than normal, but my brain keeps on going relentlessly and at a speed that makes it difficult to choose to endure.

I like the description in "Reasons to Live" that compares going out to running around naked, which is very accurate: knowing that no one will pay attention to you when you walk down the street, but there is a feeling of receiving stares from all directions, and this feeling is even stronger when you meet people you know, and there are always people judging you, and every movement and expression they make may express their discontent with you.

Discharge, relapse, swallowing pills ...... I had eight electrotherapy sessions